This Literally Doesn't Matter

Does anyone actually feel like they belong?

I’ve always had the inherent feeling that I was here by mistake. Not in a “nobody gets me” sense, but like the immune system is triggered by molecules they label as “foreign”. I am the disease and the earth is sending out the white blood cells to get rid of me in the form of trauma.

What if some of us were destined for another planet? Our atoms just got swept up in a solar storm, now we are here wondering why nobody else is confused with everything happening around them, while we search for something we know isn’t there but can still feel the absence of.

That considered, does it even matter? “Belonging” is a social construct along with most things we dwell on. I’ve adapted this mindset a couple of months ago and it has put a lot of things into a new perspective. Lost all your friends? Literally doesn’t matter. Failed an exam? Definitely doesn’t matter. Lost the “love of your life”? And the world kept spinning.

At first glance it’s a harsh perspective but in all fairness it’s not helpful to care about things out of our control. Not to blab on and sound like a conspiracy theorist but I cannot emphasize enough, time is not real. Time isn’t linear and it doesn’t even exist, we made it up so things made sense when the truth is that nothing makes sense and it never has. Everything happening now has happened a million times before and will keep happening until the sun inevitably dies, turns into a black hole and swallows us up. Whatever happened and whoever made you feel like you don’t belong in your own body does not deserve the ability to taint your future. At our core we are billions of atoms meshed together that happens to have consciousness, trying to make sense of our surroundings in search of happiness.

I used to spend days, weeks, months even years, going over everything that went wrong, over-analyzing every detail and choosing what I would go back and change if given the chance. It got me nothing but wasted “time”. Only now I’ve realized I’ve wasted my experience. My experience of this life. Was I thrown into the wrong world? Why can’t I understand anyone and them me? Doesn’t matter. I’m here now and I can experience all the highs and lows of being human. The heartbreak, injustice, anger and the love. I’m not going to dwell on my wasted experience but focus on everything I can be and feel every emotion. I now refuse to waste future experience on past experience, hiding myself away in fear of repeated pain.

Not to down play trauma and abuse, people that hurt us have taken away part of our experience and certain parts of our character that we may never get back, but I’ve always found stained glass more beautiful anyway.